I still fall for you everyday..
This online dating trend has a bad reputation for no reason. I met him online. As a vengeance against my dad’s 7 pm deadline rule, I downloaded it only to realize that one of my classmates was on the app, and his profile displayed shortly after downloading. It was almost 11 when I became nervous and confused about downloading it; I don’t know when my finger swiped right!! And immediately the chimes of ‘matched’ were heard. Honestly, I didn’t expect him to be online but there he was. “Shitt” I gasped and why wouldn’t I be worried, I had just matched with my classmate and that too on an online dating portal. While normally after a match, people try to search for some pick-up lines, I was trying to make excuses like; ’this is my dare’ or the classic ‘sorry, my friend’s account’.
I was constantly typing without sending and after waiting for a long time he said “hi”, which according to me is the best introduction when confused. The next message read- “I won’t kill you, just say whatever is on your mind”. I started typing and another message popped up. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone and if you aren’t comfortable we can ummatch ourselves.”
I sighed in relief reading this. “Hi, and thank you!” I replied. To which he said “Almost 40% people from our class use this portal so don’t feel embarrassed.” Those comforting words really calmed me down and then we talked over some stuff like college assignments on a dating app! We weren’t strangers nor we were friends. This string of messages ended up in bitching about teachers, some irritating classmates, and random incidences from the canteen.
Since we were in the same class, he could easily get my number from the class WhatsApp group but he didn’t. Gradually we even followed each other on Instagram. Instagram DMs were filled with memes, then progressively to cute puppy posts and then baby posts. We never really spoke in class. Did I mention, he was the class representative and almost every teacher’s favorite. While I was just an ordinary close-mouthed student. It had become a routine, talking about everything from films to music to art and career and of course the academics.
As time passed we became a part of each other’s snap stories and made it to Instagram’s close friend list.
That first video calls underneath those blankets so our parents wouldn’t find out, blushing like crazy, and of course, trying so hard to not look at you during lectures, but every time he caught me! Our memories weren’t actually of going out on a date, or holding hands or making out in public just to get the thrill of it.
I think, just like any millennial, I was having a dispute with myself to find out what exactly we were. Lately, a conflict between lust and love had taken over my thoughts. And God it’s exhausting!! Gathering all the courage I had, I tried to tell him once but thinking about the answer I stopped myself. But then even on that 15-inch screen, he could clearly notice it. We didn’t speak that night.
The next day was Saturday, usually, we never spoke during the day, but the last night’s super overthinking made me text him saying ‘good morning’. And without waiting for his reply I started texting him all about my feelings. How I had secretly written poems for him, recited them innumerable times in front of the mirror, but always forgot them whenever we spoke.
And mann!!! That time gap between those blue WhatsApp ticks and your reply felt like an eternity. He video called me shortly after the confession. He asked me to close my eyes and just think about our best moments. And I recalled all those crazy memories from the very first conversation to last night’s awkwardness. He saw a faded smirk growing into a radiant smile. Apparently, even he couldn’t decide between lust and love. After sharing all the actual problems we were going through in this virtual world we realized that unsaid attraction was still vintage. We finally confessed face to face and rather than starting a relationship we decided to start with discovering ourselves and discovering the actual meaning of love. The only difference was that the disputes were not with some ‘villain’, but ourselves trying to find a common ground between Bollywood set high expectations and reality.